Geani - growing up
Monday, September 26, 2005
7 o'clock in the morning thoughts
It’s 7 o’clock in the morning and I had a night of no sleep. XMM will start soon, as I am leaving for the location in about 2 hours…
Maybe it’s a normal way of writing your thoughts before going to a conference, starting with the date the hour, and then writing how you feel about it. Well it’s a little bit different, as I always find myself thinking about things that are far away in time or deep in my soul, not really connected with the current event.
It’s the same now. I was thinking actually at the concepts of 1 soul in 2 bodies, and then to the concept of the soul, and music into my soul. It all started from a song from The Corrs: Una noce. And it continues now with “when the stars go blue”, words that fall into my soul and make it melt somehow, make my smile and remember beautiful things that I never lived actually.
Strange, but still true the sensation that I feel: is like something happened and I feel like smiling still I know that is something, someone in the future that will do all that. It’s a part in me that is only soul, only sun and light and music and air and spirit in the same time. A part that is so well protected and yet so unbearable attractive to reach as much as I can, and this is how I leave the living world and dive into my own self trying to understand what happens there. Is everybody feeling and thinking the same?...I don’t know. Maybe it’s just childish thoughts…
Is my inner self made of what? …in these moments my mother and my friends think I am upset but I am actually happy, calm, serene, very much in another world. The world inside me that is to discover. Not through science, not trough books, not through rationales as I discovered, but trough simple feeling and intuition…
…and yet, I am a simple human being in the world.
Maybe it’s a normal way of writing your thoughts before going to a conference, starting with the date the hour, and then writing how you feel about it. Well it’s a little bit different, as I always find myself thinking about things that are far away in time or deep in my soul, not really connected with the current event.
It’s the same now. I was thinking actually at the concepts of 1 soul in 2 bodies, and then to the concept of the soul, and music into my soul. It all started from a song from The Corrs: Una noce. And it continues now with “when the stars go blue”, words that fall into my soul and make it melt somehow, make my smile and remember beautiful things that I never lived actually.
Strange, but still true the sensation that I feel: is like something happened and I feel like smiling still I know that is something, someone in the future that will do all that. It’s a part in me that is only soul, only sun and light and music and air and spirit in the same time. A part that is so well protected and yet so unbearable attractive to reach as much as I can, and this is how I leave the living world and dive into my own self trying to understand what happens there. Is everybody feeling and thinking the same?...I don’t know. Maybe it’s just childish thoughts…
Is my inner self made of what? …in these moments my mother and my friends think I am upset but I am actually happy, calm, serene, very much in another world. The world inside me that is to discover. Not through science, not trough books, not through rationales as I discovered, but trough simple feeling and intuition…
…and yet, I am a simple human being in the world.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
One Saturday
Today is one Saturday. One Saturday after the first weekend in Romania post IC. One Saturday before the XMM, one Saturday that I can spend home with my parents.
...you would say maybe that this means "the second Saturday" not "one Saturday". but I would say otherwise, because this day is special. is special because is the first one after a long long time, when I feel I grow up. I'm out of my comfort zone, I took important decisions about me and how I will be from now on, I'm different. it's also the day when i decided to have a blog. a very difficult decision i would say, because i was always afraid that someone will read what i write and will laugh. :) it's not that i feel suddenly smarter, i just that i feel suddenly a little bit more courageous.
if I would have to describe myself at this moment it would be very difficult. i would say that i am very happy - feeling that i grow up, that i am sad - missing india, that i am confident in myself, that i am afraid because i have a lot of responsibilities in the next period, that i am searching for the true me, that i found new pieces of my soul in the last weeks, that i am shy writing on this blog, that i have courageous thoughts about the future....
...so i would say about me that i grow...
my friends tell me that this is only the conference feeling and that it will pass away. i decided that they are not right. that the feelings and the spirit will remain like this forever if i decide so for myself. is true that the challenge will be to remain like this when the other around me will forget about this mood, or when the situation will be difficult. but this week i learnt about "will"...and so i know :)
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
...you would say maybe that this means "the second Saturday" not "one Saturday". but I would say otherwise, because this day is special. is special because is the first one after a long long time, when I feel I grow up. I'm out of my comfort zone, I took important decisions about me and how I will be from now on, I'm different. it's also the day when i decided to have a blog. a very difficult decision i would say, because i was always afraid that someone will read what i write and will laugh. :) it's not that i feel suddenly smarter, i just that i feel suddenly a little bit more courageous.
if I would have to describe myself at this moment it would be very difficult. i would say that i am very happy - feeling that i grow up, that i am sad - missing india, that i am confident in myself, that i am afraid because i have a lot of responsibilities in the next period, that i am searching for the true me, that i found new pieces of my soul in the last weeks, that i am shy writing on this blog, that i have courageous thoughts about the future....
...so i would say about me that i grow...
my friends tell me that this is only the conference feeling and that it will pass away. i decided that they are not right. that the feelings and the spirit will remain like this forever if i decide so for myself. is true that the challenge will be to remain like this when the other around me will forget about this mood, or when the situation will be difficult. but this week i learnt about "will"...and so i know :)
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know
