Geani - growing up
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
N-am vrut să încerc a trăi decât...
I have to write this post in romanian first. Again I find in Hesse so much from what I think about life and the human soul...
I will translate it soon...
“N-am vrut să încerc a trăi decât
ceea ce tindea de la sine să iasă din
lăuntrul meu. De ce era acest lucru
într-atât de greu?
ceea ce tindea de la sine să iasă din
lăuntrul meu. De ce era acest lucru
într-atât de greu?
Pentru a istorisi povestea mea, trebuie să încep de departe, cu începutul. Ar trebui, dacă mi-ar fi cu putinţă, să merg chiar mai departe înapoi, până în cei dintâi ani ai copilăriei mele şi încă dincolo de ei, până în zorii obârşiei mele.
Poeţii, când scriu romane, obişnuiesc să se poarte de parcă ei ar fi Dumnezeu şi ar putea cuprinde dintr-o data cu privirea întreaga poveste a unui om, căutând să o priceapă şi s-o înfăţişeze ca şi cum Dumnezeu şi-ar povesti-o lui însuşi, fără ocolişuri în trăsăturile ei esenţiale. Mie asta îmi e cu neputinţă, după cum tot astfel le e şi poeţilor. Povestea mea îmi este însă şi mai de preţ decât cea a cine ştie cărui poet; pentru că e a mea proprie, şi e povestea unui om adevărat, nu a unuia plăsmuit, a unuia posibil, a unuia ideal sau a altuia altcum, ci a unui om în carne şi oase, unic şi viu.
Astăzi se ştie mai puţin ca oricând ce este acela un om cu adevărat viu, şi aşa se face că oamenii, care reprezintă fiecare o nepreţuită, unică încercare a naturii, sunt împuşcaţi şi ucişi în mulţimi fără număr. De n-am fi mai mult decât indivizi unici, de s-ar putea într-adevăr să fim scoşi cu desăvârşire din lume cu un singur foc de armă, nu ar mai avea rost să istorisim poveşti. Însă fiecare om în parte nu e doar el însuşi, e în acelaşi timp şi unicul, extraordinarul, în orice caz importantul şi ciudatul punct în care se întâlnesc fenomenele lumii o singură dată în acest fel şi nicicând iarăşi. De acea istoria fiecărui om în parte e importantă, veşnică, divină, de aceea fiecare om e minunat şi vrednic de toată consideraţia atât timp cât trăieşte şi împlineşte voinţa naturii. În fiecare s-a întrupat spiritul, în fiecare suferă creaţia, în fiecare se crucifică un Mântuitor.
Puţini sunt cei care ştiu în ziua de azi ce este omul. Mulţi o simt şi de aceea mor mai uşor, precum mai uşor voi muri şi eu după ce voi fi terminat de scris această poveste.
Nu mi-e îngăduit a mă numi un ştiutor. Am fost un căutător şi încă mai sunt, dar nu mai caut în stele şi în cărţi, încep să iau aminte la poveţele pe care mi le şopteşte sângele din mine. Povestea mea nu e plăcută, nu e dulce şi plină de armonie precum poveştile născocite, are gust de deşertăciune şi tulburare, de nebunie şi vis precum viaţa tuturor oamenilor care nu mai vor să se mintă unii pe alţii.
Viaţa fiecărui om e o cale catre sine însuşi, încercarea unei căi, intuirea unei poteci. Nici un om nu a fost vreodata pe de-antregul el însuşi; şi cu toate astea, fiecare tinde spre asta, unul mai înăbuşit, altul mai senin, fiecare cum poate. Fiecare poartă cu el până la moarte rămăşiţe ale naşterii sale, plasmă şi coji de ou ale unei lumi ancestrale. Câte unul nu devine niciodată om, rămîne broască, rămâne şopârlă, rămâne furnică. Altul e sus om şi jos peşte. Însă fiecare reprezintă o năzuinţă a naturii către om. Adăposturile sunt aceleaşi pentru noi toţi, mamele, noi cu toţii, venim din acelaşi abisş însă fiecare tinde, ca o încercare şi o aruncare din adânc, către propriul său ţel.
Puţini sunt cei care ştiu în ziua de azi ce este omul. Mulţi o simt şi de aceea mor mai uşor, precum mai uşor voi muri şi eu după ce voi fi terminat de scris această poveste.
Nu mi-e îngăduit a mă numi un ştiutor. Am fost un căutător şi încă mai sunt, dar nu mai caut în stele şi în cărţi, încep să iau aminte la poveţele pe care mi le şopteşte sângele din mine. Povestea mea nu e plăcută, nu e dulce şi plină de armonie precum poveştile născocite, are gust de deşertăciune şi tulburare, de nebunie şi vis precum viaţa tuturor oamenilor care nu mai vor să se mintă unii pe alţii.
Viaţa fiecărui om e o cale catre sine însuşi, încercarea unei căi, intuirea unei poteci. Nici un om nu a fost vreodata pe de-antregul el însuşi; şi cu toate astea, fiecare tinde spre asta, unul mai înăbuşit, altul mai senin, fiecare cum poate. Fiecare poartă cu el până la moarte rămăşiţe ale naşterii sale, plasmă şi coji de ou ale unei lumi ancestrale. Câte unul nu devine niciodată om, rămîne broască, rămâne şopârlă, rămâne furnică. Altul e sus om şi jos peşte. Însă fiecare reprezintă o năzuinţă a naturii către om. Adăposturile sunt aceleaşi pentru noi toţi, mamele, noi cu toţii, venim din acelaşi abisş însă fiecare tinde, ca o încercare şi o aruncare din adânc, către propriul său ţel.
Ne putem înţelege unul pe altul dar de explicat se poate explica fiecare doar pe sine însuşi.”
Herman Hesse - Demian
Herman Hesse - Demian
Friday, February 17, 2006
Fog
I sometimes feel that my soul is in a fog. Fog means that I cannot see around me, but I am also unable to see myself. I cannot see the other souls, I cannot understand them, I cannot see the road ahead, I cannot identify the target of the journey.
Beside that I don’t know what the target of the journey is - meaning that I cannot see my soul itself - I don’t even know if my soul is ok or not. It’s a fog inside the soul also. Some of the parts that I was pretty sure I know exactly how they are and what are used for, and I could share them with the people around me, seem to be disappeared.
Sometimes when there is this fog, you would need a candle or at least a small sparkle for some seconds. This sparkle would illuminate for a moment a small part of the soul, doesn’t matter how small, because from this part you would be able to rediscover yourself. The thing is that, when there is fog, because u cannot see the soul you became so scared that u think it’s not there anymore. U don’t know if u still exist, and if yes, what/who is that form of mind and life and most of all what is the reason for it to exist.
Another problem is that all your other soul friends need your soul to be really clear and illuminate them. Of course they are facing the same fog, and most of all have also fog inside and they are tired. They know that they will face important challenges in the future – even tough they cannot see the road or the final goal - and really need energy. The energy would come from the pieces of light in your soul – the pieces of soul well known by you that gain the ability to transmit light to the others.
And sometimes there are a lot of dear souls around you and you keep giving them energy and light, but there is no one to help you get rid of the fog in your own soul…you feel tired also and clouds are traveling across your eyes. And all around you are only other souls in need, or souls that have light but don’t want to share it.
“…look only inside the soul for the path, said B. Don’t mind the fog, all the parts are there. Trust yourself. Just find yourself again and you’ll have strength and light for reaching your dream and helping others also.”
"...I will, I answered. thank u."
Beside that I don’t know what the target of the journey is - meaning that I cannot see my soul itself - I don’t even know if my soul is ok or not. It’s a fog inside the soul also. Some of the parts that I was pretty sure I know exactly how they are and what are used for, and I could share them with the people around me, seem to be disappeared.
Sometimes when there is this fog, you would need a candle or at least a small sparkle for some seconds. This sparkle would illuminate for a moment a small part of the soul, doesn’t matter how small, because from this part you would be able to rediscover yourself. The thing is that, when there is fog, because u cannot see the soul you became so scared that u think it’s not there anymore. U don’t know if u still exist, and if yes, what/who is that form of mind and life and most of all what is the reason for it to exist.
Another problem is that all your other soul friends need your soul to be really clear and illuminate them. Of course they are facing the same fog, and most of all have also fog inside and they are tired. They know that they will face important challenges in the future – even tough they cannot see the road or the final goal - and really need energy. The energy would come from the pieces of light in your soul – the pieces of soul well known by you that gain the ability to transmit light to the others.
And sometimes there are a lot of dear souls around you and you keep giving them energy and light, but there is no one to help you get rid of the fog in your own soul…you feel tired also and clouds are traveling across your eyes. And all around you are only other souls in need, or souls that have light but don’t want to share it.
“…look only inside the soul for the path, said B. Don’t mind the fog, all the parts are there. Trust yourself. Just find yourself again and you’ll have strength and light for reaching your dream and helping others also.”
"...I will, I answered. thank u."
Monday, February 06, 2006
Follow the light
Last week I spoke with someone about the “sparkle” and its importance in a relationship. The sparkle is the one that makes me think at somebody, the one that brings the butterfly in my stomach, the one that makes me smile whenever I remember a conversation, a gesture. The sparkle appears at least once every week with a different person.
…Now, what I think “cu mintea mea proasta” how Creanga would say, is that no relationship can depend only on the sparkle. I think that a true relationship is build, day by day by the persons involved. But this means that those persons have to have the availability and willingness to invest time and real feelings. This means that you are able to take it the hard way, to break down some walls and to throw some of the masks, to be insecure for some moments, to face the possibility of suffering.
The easy way would be for me to imagine that I will turn 30, for example, and I will have the greatest career, but no person to consider my lover or few friends. It’s easy to use my abilities and knowledge and get a career and it’s even easier to consider myself unhappy and not capable of having friends. It’s easy…really. Even if I would be unhappy. Actually this is the easy part: to be unhappy or even better: not to feel, because you are afraid.
Now, try to imagine that you have to put yourself out there, to actually open that door inside and let the true you to be seen by the persons around. They could hurt you, they could disapprove what you think and what you are, they could think that you are wrong and say all these to you. That would really make you suffer and affect your entire future and happiness. It’s scary right?
Yes it really is. And all the above could happen, and flash news I think that is almost impossible to live without facing all the bad things. And when they happen you can close up your soul for ever or at least be more careful in the future. Be kind of a “Pokemon” with at least one mask: “the smart one”, “the beautiful one”, “the cool one”, “the bored one”, “the too-busy-because-I-am-building-my-career one”. This is what does a lot of the people I know…
…well actually I choose not to. I think that you can say that you truly live when you face all the bad things and filter them trough your soul and mind, and just feel down or desperate for some time if that is what has to happen. Only this way I think you can say that you truly live life, you learn from what happens and you become a better, truthful, wiser and more beautiful you. Life with walls, life with feeling OK, life with easy getting bored is actually a little bit immature at the best appreciation and superficial in the worst case.
I feel that my life, it’s true and really lived if I pass my entire experiences good or hurtful trough the filter of both ration and feelings.
This means that I could meet bad people that would hurt me, that I could find negative environment but this is something that I cannot control. What I can control is what happens with me: with my mind and soul.
Exactly how life can bring bad things it could also bring happiness, light, growth, beauty, warm friends, a fully lived life…actually everything. To be open hearted, to really involve and care, to be just the true me (with good parts and bad parts) gave me the most beautiful relationships and my life is full of them. When I am with my friends I just feel light and warm feelings inside. We can freely talk about what is hurtful or beautiful in the world, we can just be us, sincere, as we are without being judged, we can be upset or happy when we are with each other. Nothing false, nothing hidden, nothing kept apart from the others – nothing to take or to expect. Just to give, to put the other person before yourself.
So this is what I believe in, this is what I need and search in life: true feelings.
But in order to have the light and the warmth in your life you need to do 2 things: to allow yourself to feel because you broke the walls of the indifference and to build consciously – because you want, without being drag apart by boredom or indolence – those relationships for you.
…Now, what I think “cu mintea mea proasta” how Creanga would say, is that no relationship can depend only on the sparkle. I think that a true relationship is build, day by day by the persons involved. But this means that those persons have to have the availability and willingness to invest time and real feelings. This means that you are able to take it the hard way, to break down some walls and to throw some of the masks, to be insecure for some moments, to face the possibility of suffering.
The easy way would be for me to imagine that I will turn 30, for example, and I will have the greatest career, but no person to consider my lover or few friends. It’s easy to use my abilities and knowledge and get a career and it’s even easier to consider myself unhappy and not capable of having friends. It’s easy…really. Even if I would be unhappy. Actually this is the easy part: to be unhappy or even better: not to feel, because you are afraid.
Now, try to imagine that you have to put yourself out there, to actually open that door inside and let the true you to be seen by the persons around. They could hurt you, they could disapprove what you think and what you are, they could think that you are wrong and say all these to you. That would really make you suffer and affect your entire future and happiness. It’s scary right?
Yes it really is. And all the above could happen, and flash news I think that is almost impossible to live without facing all the bad things. And when they happen you can close up your soul for ever or at least be more careful in the future. Be kind of a “Pokemon” with at least one mask: “the smart one”, “the beautiful one”, “the cool one”, “the bored one”, “the too-busy-because-I-am-building-my-career one”. This is what does a lot of the people I know…
…well actually I choose not to. I think that you can say that you truly live when you face all the bad things and filter them trough your soul and mind, and just feel down or desperate for some time if that is what has to happen. Only this way I think you can say that you truly live life, you learn from what happens and you become a better, truthful, wiser and more beautiful you. Life with walls, life with feeling OK, life with easy getting bored is actually a little bit immature at the best appreciation and superficial in the worst case.
I feel that my life, it’s true and really lived if I pass my entire experiences good or hurtful trough the filter of both ration and feelings.
This means that I could meet bad people that would hurt me, that I could find negative environment but this is something that I cannot control. What I can control is what happens with me: with my mind and soul.
Exactly how life can bring bad things it could also bring happiness, light, growth, beauty, warm friends, a fully lived life…actually everything. To be open hearted, to really involve and care, to be just the true me (with good parts and bad parts) gave me the most beautiful relationships and my life is full of them. When I am with my friends I just feel light and warm feelings inside. We can freely talk about what is hurtful or beautiful in the world, we can just be us, sincere, as we are without being judged, we can be upset or happy when we are with each other. Nothing false, nothing hidden, nothing kept apart from the others – nothing to take or to expect. Just to give, to put the other person before yourself.
So this is what I believe in, this is what I need and search in life: true feelings.
But in order to have the light and the warmth in your life you need to do 2 things: to allow yourself to feel because you broke the walls of the indifference and to build consciously – because you want, without being drag apart by boredom or indolence – those relationships for you.
Nobody really knows
Where they’re supposed to go
Hiding behind a wall
Afraid that they’ll lose it all
But it’s alright
Just follow the light
And don’t be afraid of the dark
In the moonlight
You’ll dance till you fall
And always be here in my heart
But nobody wants to know
’cos nobody even cares
Everyone’s on the make
Yeah and everyone’s out for themselves
Me I’m on the longest road
Where everything’s overload
But I’ve got my heart and soul
So don’t throw me overboard
’cos it’s alright
Just follow the light
And don’t be afraid of the dark.
(Travis – "Follow the light")
